Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Today I’m angry. So angry in fact I’m having a hard time sitting still long enough to write this. But my shrink says I’m supposed to write instead of hitting people, or things. I guess that makes you all my therapy this afternoon. Apparently, fighting is not a socially acceptable form of anger management. Then again I’ve never really been a socially acceptable kinda guy.

In addition to having a tendency to fight, I also learned at a vey young age to compress my emotions to a dangerous level. As a child my Dad used to tell me to “control my emotions.” He didn’t mean that I should force myself not to feel anything, but as a child that’s what I heard. As a result, today I feel very little. Unlike most “normal” people, I only have a couple of primary emotions to serve as my filter. I don’t feel fear like most people, I don’t feel pain like most, and I don’t feel excitement or joy in the same ways you do. I never really understood this until recently and now, thanks to some pretty smart people, I’m finally dealing with it.

You see, I’m attempting to change the way I see the world. I’m trying to relearn how to process things and how to respond when my will comes up against society, and or, Gods. That may sound strange, but I have a “F@#k it” mind set, which means I do what I want, when I want regardless of the consequences. Literally for the first time in my life I’m attempting to follow the rules. You may not understand, but this is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Every cell in by body is screaming right now.

What makes this process so hard is that I’m doing it alone. Not in the sense that I don’t have people who care surrounding me, but I’m doing it alone in that the people I want near me through this aren’t around. To be honest I’m beginning to feel emotions that I didn’t know I could feel. Imagine feeling emotions for the first time at age 31. It’s a trip, believe me!

Today I’m angry. Not because I have anything to be angry about, but because I’m hurt and anger is one of the two primary emotions I use to cope. In addition, I’m not using anything to anesthetize the pain, which is a new thing as well.

In Psalm 86:11 David asks God to unite his heart. I’ve never really liked David all that much, because I could never really relate to his melancholy, moody, personality, but that’s beginning to change. These days my prayer is the same. I want God to put my heart back together again. I want to have a heart that is united under his control. The process hurts worse than I anticipated, but I know the end result will be wonderful.

Isn’t it amazing how far from God our heart can get without our knowledge?